In order of embarassment:
5. This isn't going to mean much to my non-Bollywood-watching friends, but leading the list is Shahrukh Khan.
(There are also several other Bollywood boys I find crush-worthy, but they're not embarassing.) This man is a mega-star with dozens of movies to his credit and, bearing in mind the bias of a viewer not raised on the methods and styles of Hindi cinema, let's just say that he tends towards the cheesy. In a review of one of his most popular films, a writer on salon.com said he came across as a mix of Jerry Lewis (manic mugging) and John Stamos (self-satisfied lady-killer with too much hair). Ouch. But he is an oddly effective actor - when his character cries for his long-lost girlfriend who killed herself in the face of her father's disapproval for their love, I cry too. When he looks at someone with puppy-dog eyes, the kind not often employed by people over seven years old, I know the target will melt helplessly. When he dances, I amazed - few people in our culture, and certainly no people I know in real life, dance like that. Part of his appeal for me is that his foreignness, encompassing far more than nationality, somehow gets meddled with metrosexualness, which given my tastes is a dream come true. Also, he can totally rock orange cargo pants.
I think in the above scene he is singing (really lip-synching to someone else singing) a Hindi version of "Pretty Woman."
Shahrukh is low on the emabarssment scale because a) most of you don't even know who he is, so my shame is sort of anonymous, and b) millions of people in other parts of the world routinely swoon in his presence, so at least I'm not alone.
4. Because being imaginary is a character flaw that cannot be overlooked, as Bridget Jones says, I give you Constable Benton Fraser from the defunct tv show Due South.
This is embarassing because this person is pretend. But he is all the good stereotypes about Canadians - calm, helpful, reliable, kind - without the bad - smug, reserved, jingoistic in their own Jan Brady way. Canadians are tired of people loving the red-coated Mounties, so as an honourary Canadian I really ought to know better. I can't help it - he's almost impossibily good, saved only by a few endearing flaws that make him all the more loveable.
Plus he loves dogs.
3. Francis (what is the family's last name, anyway?) from Malcom in the Middle
Not only is he imaginary, he's baaaaaaaaaaad. I have never understood people who are attracted to the bad-boy type, but even I came under the spell of Francis. Even when he's lying on the floor, nearly unconscious from trying to eat one hundred marshmallow peeps.
We could also file Hugh Grant under the bad boy category, but save for a few moments every now and then, when he charms away my memory, I am so over him. Yuck.
2. Rupert Everett
Objectively, from a purely aesthetic standpoint, there is nothing wrong with this crush. For example, if I were a gay man, Rupert Everett would be a perfectly reasonable crush. But I am not. Over the last few years I have worked very hard at not forming romantic attachments to gay men, but resolve flies out the window for Rupert. He's British. He's musically gifted. He looks fantastic in every stitch of clothing (and not), even shiny pants and a cowboy hat, but especially suits. Numma. I think he's the only person I've ever described with the word "hot." He's funny. He's witty. He gads about town with fabulous gal pals. He seems to skirt delightfully and charmingly just on this side of being an absurd stereotype.
It is with great shame that I admit how much I love him, even though it will come as no surprise to anyone. He is embarassing because he reminds me of my failure. He is a badge of my weakness, my scarlet letter.
1. Kevin Sorbo
I mean, really. I don't even like sci-fi/fantasy. I have neither explanation nor defense for this except that he has sandy hair. I'm not sure I could have invented a more ridiculous contender for this list.
This post is brought to you by a mug of those powdered "international" "coffee" mixes in "cafe francais" - received as a starring component in a gift basket of "things we enjoyed in college" that also included Bailey's and a package of scrunchies.
Thank you to all the sites to whose pictures I linked.
