sad sack

I don't especially care about Valentine's Day. Being single on it is not a particular sore point for me - I figure it's just a holiday that doesn't pertain to me, like Yom Kippur or Easter. But until the last few weeks, I had thought this year was going to be different. Not that I was jazzed about Valentine's Day - but the 14th would have been the six-month anniversary of a relationship I was really, truly happy about.

And here's the "but": but it was long distance, and he has vanished, and I have no idea what happened. No communication from him, in any form, for three weeks; by no means am I a relationship expert, but I'm assuming this means that he's decided we're through. I'm not sure what else to do than take it very personally.

Okay. I can very easily understand not wanting to date me, or that the distance was just too hard, or any number of other situations - trapped under a bus, kidnapped by coyotes, hospitalized without cell phone - but what I don't understand is why I am apparently not worth even a perfunctory explanation. If he cared for me at all, why didn't he spend three minutes to write a text message saying something, anything, to let me know what's going on? And if I did something wrong - which I can hardly keep from assuming I did - surely telling me would be kinder, so at the very least I can work on it for next time? And if I am so awful that he had to flee, why did he take me on in the first place?

And here's a question: if someone seems to have changed their mind about you, does that undo, make false, all the lovely things they once said and felt about you? Does it mean the whole thing was imaginary? Does it mean you never mattered, were never loved, were never worth the thoughtful compliments and shared laughted and closeness? Because that's how it feels - it feels like everything is gone, not only the future but the past too, and while I know I shouldn't dwell on the past (even in the best of times), knowing that the past was real makes me know at least that there were some truly good things about us, about me, I guess, more selfishly, even if they aren't relevant any more. I can deal with that - but it's much harder to deal with the idea that it was all imaginary to begin with, that I was a fool for ever thinking it was otherwise.

This isn't the person I thought I knew. None of this seems like him. I never would have guessed this could happen, that he could be so hurtful, that I would hold so little significance to him that he could dismiss me with not a single word of explanation or anger or goodbye. The thing I liked about him most was his warmth and kidness. Very little about this adds up or makes any sense to me, which I think is what's hardest.

I often joke that I'm really a seventh-grader inside; maybe this silent treatment is a sign that I'm finally getting back what I've sewn (sown? no idea).

Vanishing without a trace is a lot more towards Bollywood than my life usually runs. And not in the good way.

I rambled about other stuff too. Wanna see?

April 2004 May 2004 June 2004 July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 May 2006 June 2006 August 2006 October 2006 December 2006 February 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 September 2007 July 2008

projects, friends, etc.

  • I love Bollywood so much that I made a separate blog for it.
  • remember when I went to Australia?
  • when you take grad school too much to heart re: literature
  • when you take grad school too much to heart re: travels
  • The Trophy Wife
  • rock and roll lifestyle
  • Why God Why
  • Technically not a friend, as not a human, but still a place I love very much, so it counts: Massey College
  • credits

  • Blog design is based largely on Not That Ugly with some ideas from Firdamatic with some additional tweaking
  • Flickr rocks! Really.
  • Hurrah for Blogger
  • And for folks trying to library-ize blogs: Blogwise and Blogarama
  • Sorry this looks like poo in Firefox. I've no idea why.